Below you will find some of my many cautionary tales. I can't list all of them because I'm assuming you want to finish reading before you die.
Without further ado:
1. A line that probably won't get him feisty:
So there was this kid in my poetry class. Voluntarily. POETRY amiright?? Cute AND had a thing for Wordsworth. And I knew he was straight (I was 75% sure he was straight). It was like winning the lottery. We lived in the same dorm and he had come over a few times (He had come over to stand in the doorway and borrow notes a few times).
Needless to say, I thought things were progressing nicely. So this one time after class, we're walking back to our building when out of nowhere, this happens:
Ted*: Hey so, since it's Friday and all I was wondering if you wanted to maybe hang out or something?
Jordan:............
Ted: Or are you busy?
Jordan: ......NO. No, I mean not really. I mean I was gonna Skype-watch a Jane Austen movie with my best friend tonight, but I can totally just do that on Saturday.
Ted: Um, yea, so I'll just be by around 7 then?
He was not around by 7. Or 8. Or ever again. "Pride and Prejudice" was however, just as magical that 137th time as it was all the others.
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| Why participate in life when Keira can do it for me? |
*Ted wasn't his name. Neither was Frank.
2. How to identify what was not, in fact, a line at all:
So there was this other kid in my American Lit class, and he was blonde and beautiful and this one time he came in carrying a CD I had JUST DOWNLOADED AND LOVED so clearly we were meant to be together. He sat right in front of me. Every MWF. So I decided I could finesse this situation. Eavesdrop a little. Find out what he liked and stuff. I had nothing but time.
Then one day, I decided that was it. I was going to do it. I was going to say "hi" to plaid-shirt-dude and let fate take it from there. And I did! Ready for it?
PSD: ACHOO
Jordan: Bless you!
PSD: Thanks.
And here was my fatal mistake: Here I thought, job well done. Contact made. Spring wedding it is. But as for him? I think he called me Jenny once.
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| Does dinner and a movie work for you? |
My point is this my loveless friends; "Bless you" is not a line. Neither is "Excuse me".
3.This one would've been a disaster anyways, but it really wasn't my fault:
Ben: Hey so that test was way hard. I thought I'd do a lot better. Crap.
Jordan: Yea, some of those questions were totally worded badly. It was confusing. (He is going to ask me to study with him.)
Ben: Hey, so can I borrow the notes from last Friday when I was out? I didn't feel well. I promise I won't make it a habit to skip and just mooch off of you.
Jordan: Um, well, that depends. See cause I like to outline the actual book as I read it, and then I also take notes in class during lecture. And then I like to go home and cross-reference and type out a final outline based on the most important parts from each outline. So if you wanna wait until I have the final one all typed up I can give it to you the next time I see you? (Should I bring him soup? Airborne? He's so considerate. I bet he'd plan nice dates.)
Ben: Wow, geeze, you're thorough. You wouldn't want to study for Friday's quiz would you? I could totally use the help.
Jordan: Um, sure! (It's happening. It's all HAPPENING! I'm baking cookies.)
Ben: Great! 8ish? We can meet at my dorm. It's in St. Joesph's.
Jordan: Wait...is that the...(Cling to hope. Cling to it!)
Ben: Seminary? Yea! I take my vows in like 2 more years. I'm super stoked. I just wanna get my degree first.
Jordan: Yep. Cool. See ya then. (He's not getting cookies. I'm going to hell).
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| Hot and "Collared" |
Game. Set. Match. Praise God.
And that, dear readers, is all the advice I have for today. If you take care not to follow my example(s) you will be in no way closer to having a successful flirting life. You will, however be closer to NOT not having a flirting life. Doing what I did above probably brought me to level -3 in terms of flirting skills. Who are we kidding? -5. Learn from my mistakes and you'll probably break even.
That's all I can give you.
