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| I totally and completely look like this at work. |
As many of you know, I am a flight attendant. If you didn't know that, we clearly don't talk and we should really reconsider our obviously surface Facebook friendship. Let's get real; I just want to see if you're still making questionable dating choices (This one seems good, but gurrrllll didn't they all?). You are just periodically checking in to see if I'm getting fat (HA! I'm NOT though not for lack of trying). We should probably call a spade a spade and make healthier life decisions. Comparison is the thief of joy or something. Jealousy is bad. Your boyfriends suck. Whatever.
My job isn't really a job. It's a lifestyle. And most of the time, I like it. It's never the same which keeps things interesting because even though its variable, I know when and what I'm doing. But then reserve pops up. And then I think about dying.
Reserve means being on call. So there are days that I'm good to the company, and they can call me up at the drop of a hat, and send me anywhere. Which is cool. Except when it's not because it's terrifying. I figure the only way for you to get the full experience, is to imagine it. Come fly with me friends, that is, if Crew Scheduling gives you a trip....
1. Waking up after 9
They didn't call you at 3am! You're up with normal humans! You're already winning! SO the question now is, do you change and commit to making breakfast? Because the minute you do either of those things scheduling is gonna call. They can sense it, you making plans as you crack eggs for your labor- intensive fritatta. They don't get a fritatta. They don't want anyone to have one either so the minute you start making one, they're gonna send you on a 4 leg trip to Dallas. Is that what you want? I didn't think so.
Just put on some new pajama pants and eat some saltines. Get decadent. Throw some peanut butter on them. "The View" is on. There ya go.
2. Surviving phone calls
Sometimes, because you're not a friendless hermit, people will call you while you're on call and it will make you dry heave. Below, is an exchange you might have with a parent, if you are able to answer. Then again, you might be busy buying some Depends in preparation for the next non-scheduling call that might pop up.
Terrified you: WHAT MOM?
Mom: Honey, are you alright? You sound terrible!
TY: I'M ON RESERVE MOM. I told you NEVER to call me and that'd I'd call you if I went anywhere!
Mom: Well, I haven't heard from you for a while and I just wanted to check in and see how you're-
TY: OH how am I doing? EVERY TIME YOU CALL ME I HAVE A MINI STROKE. You are KILLING your baby girl! Do you like that?? Do you like killing me??
Then call waiting will beep and you'll frantically say you have to go only to be greeted by an automated message that your prescription is ready. After which you will weep bitterly and curse god.
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| The call is coming from inside the house. |
3. Scheduling finally calls
I don't know why this event is as scary as it is. You know you're on call; this is not a surprise. You know what that means. You know that they can (and will) send you anywhere, anytime. You've been here for a while. You can hold your own, 9 times out of 10.
Also, they're calling you for a job you know and like (most days) to do. It's not like they're gonna call you up and be like, "Hey! Flight attendant so and so! Great, we need you at the airport in two hours to do some open heart surgery. Bring your own scalpel. Also if you could find us a goat that be swell. We need a goat. Do both things for us or you're fired and we'll steal your firstborn someday and keep it as an office pet. Awesome, thanks so much."
Most of the time, the trips are pretty decent* and contrary to that irrational voice in your head when you see "scheduling" pop up on your screen, they're not going to eat you. They'll probably be very nice, and give you a trip that's at least ok, and you'll know what you're doing which will be a welcome change from sitting around in your flannels watching reruns and surviving off of toast.
But you'll still almost cry when you have to talk to them. I don't know if this ever goes away with time. I hope they can't tell. Cause you answer with that breathy whiny "I'm almost crying so maybe I'll go up a few octaves because for some reason I feel like that will cover up that fact" voice. And it's awkward. And they're giving you a trip, not skinning an orphan. Calm. Down.
4. You just got Newark-ed*
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| NO |
There is ONE little catch when it comes to getting "decent" trips. You see, you happen to be a New York based flight attendant. Which means that you fly out of LaGuardia, and JFK, and yes, sometimes Newark. Yes it IS in a different state. Yes it IS at least 3 hours away. No you have NOT lived until you've paid $50 round trip to get to and from work. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It's the worst thing ever, but it's just part of the territory.
You'll swear a lot after you get off the phone with the very apologetic scheduler. They know we hate it. But it's the FAA's world and we're all just living in it. You'll say every swear word you know, and some that you'll invent.
Your roommates will tell you they're sorry about your Newark trip. They could tell because of the swearing. They'll come in to watch you as you run around frantically packing last minute items since you now have to leave immediately because it's SO FAR AWAY. Then you'll say your goodbyes...
"Friends, comrades, roommates, it's with a heavy heart I tell you I have received orders to trek out to Newark Liberty Airport. Liberty, they say? A cold harsh irony that name seems to me, as my journey there will soon make me a prisoner of the New Jersey transit.
My provisions should last until nightfall, however, if I leave now I should be able to reach the first rest stop while there's still daylight enough to water my oxen and hunt some small game. The weather is fair, and the Hudson is low this time of year, so let us hope I will be able to ford my suitcase without incident.
Scheduling has given me five hours, so as long as the Jersey Airtrain isn't down for the 8 millionth time, and I don't succumb to cholera or the Holland Tunnel, I should be able to make it in time. The way is long and the path winding, but carry on I must, with naught but a Travel Pro and my work ID as companions. Godspeed my friends. I hope we meet again. If we should not, I know one of you stole my toothpaste. Also there is chocolate under my bed that's fair game. Fare thee well."
Sure, sometimes reserve is scary, and it might age you prematurely, but at the end of the day you get to tell people at dinner parties you're a flight attendant and have a really cool looking FB life (look at that, brought it FULL CIRCLE in the this post cause I'm cool like that) so it's really totally worth it.
