Things Brad Pitt's Various Hairstyles Have Taught Me About Life

Known the world over as a supremely sexy being, like a cockroach after nuclear holocost, Brad Pitt's face has endured the test of time....(except for now, am I right? These days he's lookin a bit rough. It's probably that blood and puppy tears regimen Angie has him following).

So I thought it'd be a swell time if we took a look back at the Bradster and reminisced (judged) his evolution and provided some commentary (insults). Come with me friends. Come with me down the Pitt highway, littered with old highlight color containers and completely void of old deodorant sticks since apparently the Jolie-Pitts are against it. Sticking butt fat into your lips however is apparently perfectly permissible and natural. Anywaysssss....

-Ahhh yes. The floppiness. The scruffyness. The tucked in shirt with the belt buckle. This picture is positively screaming youthful exuberance and a cocky confidence that can only be held in that bizarre and often zit-filled time known as adolescence. We don't see any of Satan's white-tipped mountains chaining young Bradley's face though, do we? Nay. For this photo not only begs the question, "My choice of ear decoration clearly indicates I like pirates, but do I love Jesus ironically in a foreshadowed nod to some Whole Foods loving hipster successors, or am I genuine in my choice of clothing and accessories? You'll never know as my mischievous smirk and Smeagol crouch make me both appealing and untrustworthy. Bahaha I giggle at your quandary adoring fans!". No no this photo also says what every Neutrogena sponsor happily yells at you; it says, "Go wash your face, and maybe one day, you too can flop your hair over to the right and be in a movie with Susan Sarandon...and maybe you'll even get to drive off the cliff."

-The early 90s. The tops were shorter, Tonya Harding was beating down the competition, and Norway spurned the E.U. "Speed" and "Four Weddings and a Funeral" had just come out, and people were afraid. Afraid that they were doomed evermore to watch bumbling protagonists with hair that flopped NOT in a B.P. kind of way; protagonists who filmed entire action movies on buses and blinked a lot at Sandra Bullock who could not drive. Protagonists with thick rimmed glasses who continually looked like an idiot in front of Andie McDowell, like ALL the time, and always played the same charming polite British guy but secretly picked up prostitutes. People needed a hero. Someone to inspire them to blaze their own trail. A rebel. A rebel who said, "I'm gonna be in a movie about not belonging, with a really deep and unrelated title like "Legends of the Fall". It'll be a period piece, beautifully filmed in Canada, but you'll think it's Montana; CAUSE WE CAN. I'm gonna break stallions, have a socially unacceptable marriage, and wrestle bears because I JUST DON'T GIVE A DAMN. I'll drive the only woman I've ever loved to suicide and I'll enjoy doing it because LOOK HOW LONG MY HAIR IS. Sure, maybe I just didn't want to cut it after "Interview with a Vampire", but mostly it's to ensure that in my next role I get to beat up a bartender and then vengefully massacre some Irish bootleggers...why?...because my hair can be put in a flipping PONYTAIL that's why. Go be who you need to BE world. Because my lucsious full-bodied hair COMMANDS it."

-Peroxide will murder everything you love.

-And now, we come to some more recent events. So many questions. Why can we no longer understand your movies? Why are they all 12 hours long? What's it like to be Benicio Del Toro? Do you even know what you're doing? Your hand gestures suggest you would like someone to come up to you and explain A) what "The Tree of Life" was about and B) why you felt the need to pour bacon grease on your head and then "style" it. The one sad and sorry lesson in this photo, folks, is that anyone, ANYONE, can become a cautionary tale. Just ask Brad's forlorn and forgotten piece of chin-hugging facial hair. He'll tell ya. Tell ya all about the glory days when Jennifer Aniston kept him in a healthy supply of "Just For Men Gel" and fine-toothed combs. Now it's caution to the wind, since Angie keeps the man too busy what with all the rain dances and backyard bunny sacrifices to ensure plentiful harvests. If only 90s-era Brad could see himself now...

Thoughts on Twilight by William Shakespeare.

Good greetings my Lords and Ladies! It is I, William Mildred Shakespeare. You can call me Bill though. Not Billy. I hate Billy. I recently read that book series phenomenon quilled by Stephanie Meyer know as "Twilight", though why it is such a block-busting set of novels quite escapes me. Let's explore why.

 1. Leading lads and lasses: I get it. Being a teenager SUUUUUCKS. Try dying at 40 and having that be the prime of your life. I am all for the expression of the angsty pubescent as you can well see in such works as "Hamlet" or "Romeo and Juliet". In fact, some of my contemporaries said all Hamlet did was putz around Denmark with a constant paranoid scowl and pitifully denounce the names of King and Country, or as you would call it, whine. But he did so eloquently in verse after timeless verse of malcontent depression. He also attempted to take down a nefarious king, whore mother, and engaged in swordplay and death schemes. Edward is shiny. And he is sad because most of the time he wants to tear out the jugular of the chick he loves. Bella is sad because she is ugly and clumsy and in one of the books Edward leaves in an act of really over-dramatic nobility and she takes it as an excuse to shut down, scream a lot, and have a dalliance with a werewolf. THIS:

VS:

Methinks there is no contest. Mine's holding a freaking SKULL.

 2. What dreams may come:...and come they shall but you don't get to STEAL from them. It has come to my attention that "Twilight" was birthed, or as I like to put it, untimely ripped from the uterus of hellfire, from a dream Stephanie Meyer had of a shiny guy lying in a field. Whoa. Shutest the front door. I am SHAKESPEARE. I dream in Iambic Pentameter, for Christ's sake! And there are always ALWAYS leaping equestrian beasts, truest love, and an end to the plague. What could be more beauteous? But did I ever steal from my own subconscious and pen "Neigh Softly as Mine Oozing Sores Heal", a harrowing tale of two ponies from two very different walks of life who find love, and in turn run away and discover a cure for Bubonic infection in Mongolia? Of course I did. But then I thought, "Is this idea really mine? Spurred as it was from mine own head, I did not consciously envision such a tale in the waking hours of the day, but only when my head was perched upon a pillow in innocent slumber after a heavy dose of Camembert cheeses." So I used the manuscript as kindling for all the bodies that needed burning on the street and set to work using ORIGINAL IDEAS.

 3. Pick a genre, any genre: As a slave to the pen, you must constantly evolve your expression. I get that Steph, I really do. I am known for writing brilliant works in all manner of styles, be they drama, comedy, tragedy, or really boring history. But, I never employ more than one of these in ONE PLAY. You however, include all of them, and much like blending all the play dough together to create a pigeon poo grey color, your genre usage stinks. It stinks bad. Are you Danielle Steele, Nicholas Sparks, Jodi Picoult, or that guy who wrote "The Pelican Brief" because frankly madam, I cannot begin to guess. But we're all gonna need you to just pick one.

 4. The usage of the supernatural: Again, Ms Meyer, I get it. The aspect of the supernatural can really help to create a strong plot line. Just look at my brilliant employment of all things dark and mysterious, what with the three witches of Macbeth, to the mischievous escapades of Puck the fairy, and who could ever forget the haunting (literally) performance of Hamlet's ghost father? My point is though, that these were all necessary for PLOT DEVELOPMENT. From representing the archetype of the wise old woman to propelling the characters into various actions, or even acting as a means of foreshadowing or societal symbolism, they all had a POINT. I'm pretty convinced you wrote the second book around Halloween and needed something to distract from Edward and Bella's respective self-loathing and awkward (sometimes stalker-ish) entanglements, so decided to add in a fur-filled (and let's be blunt here: somewhat bestial) love triangle involving a werewolf...well done?

 From the sappy exchanges of eternal love, the gross abuse of the category of the supernatural as a plot catalyst, all the way to a relationship that boarders on obsessive insecurity I can only come to one sorry conclusion: No one ever asked Stephanie Meyer to Prom.