1. Leading lads and lasses: I get it. Being a teenager SUUUUUCKS. Try dying at 40 and having that be the prime of your life. I am all for the expression of the angsty pubescent as you can well see in such works as "Hamlet" or "Romeo and Juliet". In fact, some of my contemporaries said all Hamlet did was putz around Denmark with a constant paranoid scowl and pitifully denounce the names of King and Country, or as you would call it, whine. But he did so eloquently in verse after timeless verse of malcontent depression. He also attempted to take down a nefarious king, whore mother, and engaged in swordplay and death schemes. Edward is shiny. And he is sad because most of the time he wants to tear out the jugular of the chick he loves. Bella is sad because she is ugly and clumsy and in one of the books Edward leaves in an act of really over-dramatic nobility and she takes it as an excuse to shut down, scream a lot, and have a dalliance with a werewolf. THIS:
2. What dreams may come:...and come they shall but you don't get to STEAL from them. It has come to my attention that "Twilight" was birthed, or as I like to put it, untimely ripped from the uterus of hellfire, from a dream Stephanie Meyer had of a shiny guy lying in a field. Whoa. Shutest the front door. I am SHAKESPEARE. I dream in Iambic Pentameter, for Christ's sake! And there are always ALWAYS leaping equestrian beasts, truest love, and an end to the plague. What could be more beauteous? But did I ever steal from my own subconscious and pen "Neigh Softly as Mine Oozing Sores Heal", a harrowing tale of two ponies from two very different walks of life who find love, and in turn run away and discover a cure for Bubonic infection in Mongolia? Of course I did. But then I thought, "Is this idea really mine? Spurred as it was from mine own head, I did not consciously envision such a tale in the waking hours of the day, but only when my head was perched upon a pillow in innocent slumber after a heavy dose of Camembert cheeses." So I used the manuscript as kindling for all the bodies that needed burning on the street and set to work using ORIGINAL IDEAS.
3. Pick a genre, any genre: As a slave to the pen, you must constantly evolve your expression. I get that Steph, I really do. I am known for writing brilliant works in all manner of styles, be they drama, comedy, tragedy, or really boring history. But, I never employ more than one of these in ONE PLAY. You however, include all of them, and much like blending all the play dough together to create a pigeon poo grey color, your genre usage stinks. It stinks bad. Are you Danielle Steele, Nicholas Sparks, Jodi Picoult, or that guy who wrote "The Pelican Brief" because frankly madam, I cannot begin to guess. But we're all gonna need you to just pick one.
4. The usage of the supernatural: Again, Ms Meyer, I get it. The aspect of the supernatural can really help to create a strong plot line. Just look at my brilliant employment of all things dark and mysterious, what with the three witches of Macbeth, to the mischievous escapades of Puck the fairy, and who could ever forget the haunting (literally) performance of Hamlet's ghost father? My point is though, that these were all necessary for PLOT DEVELOPMENT. From representing the archetype of the wise old woman to propelling the characters into various actions, or even acting as a means of foreshadowing or societal symbolism, they all had a POINT. I'm pretty convinced you wrote the second book around Halloween and needed something to distract from Edward and Bella's respective self-loathing and awkward (sometimes stalker-ish) entanglements, so decided to add in a fur-filled (and let's be blunt here: somewhat bestial) love triangle involving a werewolf...well done?
From the sappy exchanges of eternal love, the gross abuse of the category of the supernatural as a plot catalyst, all the way to a relationship that boarders on obsessive insecurity I can only come to one sorry conclusion: No one ever asked Stephanie Meyer to Prom.
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