Dear New York

Hey there, Big Apple.

So I'm moving to you in two days, and you'll probably be able to tell (as all sparkling, intuitive metropolises would be able to) that I am a tad bit nervous. I'm hoping, however, being that we've never really met, you won't hold it against me, and that we'll work out.

Since communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, especially a new one, I thought I'd let you know what was bothering me. *Ahem*

List of things about NY that make me want to nervous-barf:

1. Bagels

I can't know for sure yet, but I'm pretty sure you're bagels are one of your enduring legacies. Tastier than Lady Liberty, your circular mouth-monuments are the stuff of New York legend. But what if my Thomas' Bagels-heart hates them...and then you hate me and tell everyone and then people pelt me with fancy bagels??

2. Homelessness

Dramatic? No, but really. Your rents cost more that the Kardashian Family's hair extensions.

3.Especially Heinous?

Ok. So maybe "Law & Order" made me a bit biased, but I kind of feel like there's a mass murderer hiding in every alley...

4. Alleys

Wait. I heard a rumor you don't have these? Lame. You stink. Literally. Know what would solve that issue? Alleys.

5. Rats

I also hear you have a lot of these. You should know if I see one, I will pee myself and die.

There are probably more, but making this list has mad me need to go hyperventilate-cry in the bathroom.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you so much throw one bad day my way, I WILL go sob in a public bathroom, because unlike your hard-knock self, I am weak like the corn stalks of my homeland.

Go easy on me. See ya.