Things I will miss about watching "Little Women" with my sisters on Thanksgiving

Well, friends, it's almost Thanksgiving, and while I will most likely be crying into some cold leftover French Fries tomorrow evening, I thought I'd reflect on one of my favorite parts of the holiday; either buck myself up or make myself more depressed. Guess we'll see by the end of this post.

In the past, every year whilst indulging in the great American tradition of over-eating, and much to the chagrin of my brothers-in-law, my sisters and I watch a haunting classic  that inspires, gladdens, and reminds us that if you don't have sisters you really don't have much. Sorry only children. You lost at this game called life the minute your parents decided you were gonna roll through it solo. Go nab some more turkey as you realize that you're doomed to trek through this world alone with the entire mantle of your parents' happiness  on your tired sad shoulders. Happy Holidays.

Anyways. "Little Women." We always watch "Little Women." Can we quote the entire movie? Yes. Do we? Yes? Does it make everyone in the family want to pop open another bottle of red? Yes. Do we care? No. Because we love it, like we love each other and if anyone tries to stand between us and that love, we will burn off their hair with a curling iron in a Josephine March kind of move.

Confession: I teared-up just finding this picture. So sue ue me for feeling.

Now, some specifics of the things I will miss during this experience:

1. Winoa Ryder talking

Does she have cotton balls stuck in her mouth? Did she lose part of her tongue in an unfortunate skiing accident? We'll never know, but what we do know is that it makes me want to giggle and hulk-smash ornaments at the same time and it's wonderful.

2.Baby Kristen Dunst

It's so weird to see her like that. Tiny and not malnourished.  Possessing a personality. Keeping her top on. Really takes you back.

3.Wishing Marmee was your Marmee

I love my mom don't get me wrong. But my mom doesn't really walk around saying quotes that sound like a Walt Whitman poem and a Hallmark card got married and produced a wise quote-baby that will talk you through any crisis you are having in your life. Susan Sarandon does. Cause she's Marmee. And she's reading from a script. 

I hate real life.

4. The dresses

I mean, what if we all just started dressing like they did in the 1800s again? Bet it wouldn't be weird if we all did it. They all look so pretty and like they're having so much fun in those hoop skirts. Come on guys. "Hoops" with me?!?!

5. Christian Bale is Theodore Laurence?

What? Batman was around back then? NO! Before he became (in my opinion) a really creepy version of Batman with a creepy scratchy "disguise" voice to match, he was sensitive, sweet, Byron-esque, Teddy who had eyes only for his music and Jo. 

(And later Amy the little one, when she grows up, but it's still weird because she was like his baby sister but you're willing to look past it because this movie is a GOD DAMN TREASURE) 

6. Watching this after too many old-fashioneds with my sisters

Because we quote it badly and it's never not funny and once they kill off the one sister (spoiler alert!)  there are three of them just like us. And we love it. And I miss them. That's all.

Thoughts on Hell; A Narrated Street Encounter

So. As it's a reasonably nice day outside, you decided to forgo the bus and walk, since 3 miles really isn't that far and Kelly Ripa told America to exercise more this morning. While you find her to be a hyperactive shrew-elf, it's good advice.

That's actually someone's face.

It's not until you're deep into your T.Swift iPod reverie, when you sense it, the way models sense the food trucks they must flee from.

You look up and to your horror, you see them. The fancy clipboards. The over-enthusiastic smiles that say, "We're halfway through undergrad and totally unskilled so, here we are", and the overall peppy infuriating audacity of it all.

They are those kids who accost passersby on the sidewalk for any number of charities they probably made up.

And you've just made eye-contact. You beautiful fool.

Get away you green-vested freak.

You pray that maybe because you are jamming to Taylor, they'll let you be because you know that like the rebel armies they are fighting against on behalf of Amnesty International they DO take prisoners. Dear God they're about to take you.

The words "Do you have a minute to save the planet" rain down with a sickening thud like the horrible punch dubbing of a "Walker Texas Ranger" episode and you know you're caught. Let's not lie: you're on your way to Payless. You do have a minute. You can't run away. That would make you a monster. That would make you one of them.

As the snot-nosed brat launches into statistics about how the world is basically dead (much like your will to live) you briefly consider telling him something to end it all. Something like, " Oh, you know, actually I'm on my way to pick up some tile for a house I'm building on protected precious marshland. Yes. My house is actually being made out of bamboo and rare trees from the Amazon. Once it's built my family of 20 and I plan to take multiple hour long showers daily before we feast on seared Polar Bear and baby Panda."

But you would never. You have a soul, whereas this man, he has a World Wildlife Fund hat and a quota.

So you listen politely, give him a smile at the close, and turn to be on your way.

It's then that he scoffs judgmentally, jeering as he says that's great, and he's glad you have sooo much compassion for the dolphins.

Tears prick your eyes as you almost turn round to retort, " 'Flipper' is my favorite movie, you tree-hugging monster. And I DID give you something today. My soul. Isn't' that enough? ISN'T IT?"

But you stare straight ahead and walk on. Because he doesn't get to win. Not today. 

Not about dolphins.

Not about life.