Thoughts on Hell; A Narrated Street Encounter

So. As it's a reasonably nice day outside, you decided to forgo the bus and walk, since 3 miles really isn't that far and Kelly Ripa told America to exercise more this morning. While you find her to be a hyperactive shrew-elf, it's good advice.

That's actually someone's face.

It's not until you're deep into your T.Swift iPod reverie, when you sense it, the way models sense the food trucks they must flee from.

You look up and to your horror, you see them. The fancy clipboards. The over-enthusiastic smiles that say, "We're halfway through undergrad and totally unskilled so, here we are", and the overall peppy infuriating audacity of it all.

They are those kids who accost passersby on the sidewalk for any number of charities they probably made up.

And you've just made eye-contact. You beautiful fool.

Get away you green-vested freak.

You pray that maybe because you are jamming to Taylor, they'll let you be because you know that like the rebel armies they are fighting against on behalf of Amnesty International they DO take prisoners. Dear God they're about to take you.

The words "Do you have a minute to save the planet" rain down with a sickening thud like the horrible punch dubbing of a "Walker Texas Ranger" episode and you know you're caught. Let's not lie: you're on your way to Payless. You do have a minute. You can't run away. That would make you a monster. That would make you one of them.

As the snot-nosed brat launches into statistics about how the world is basically dead (much like your will to live) you briefly consider telling him something to end it all. Something like, " Oh, you know, actually I'm on my way to pick up some tile for a house I'm building on protected precious marshland. Yes. My house is actually being made out of bamboo and rare trees from the Amazon. Once it's built my family of 20 and I plan to take multiple hour long showers daily before we feast on seared Polar Bear and baby Panda."

But you would never. You have a soul, whereas this man, he has a World Wildlife Fund hat and a quota.

So you listen politely, give him a smile at the close, and turn to be on your way.

It's then that he scoffs judgmentally, jeering as he says that's great, and he's glad you have sooo much compassion for the dolphins.

Tears prick your eyes as you almost turn round to retort, " 'Flipper' is my favorite movie, you tree-hugging monster. And I DID give you something today. My soul. Isn't' that enough? ISN'T IT?"

But you stare straight ahead and walk on. Because he doesn't get to win. Not today. 

Not about dolphins.

Not about life.