"Moses, MOSES!"

Happy almost-end-of-Lent friends! Even though I'm not super Catholic anymore, I have (and probably always will) love Lent. Believe me, I'm as curious as you. I know for most it's a somber, introspective time full of sacrifice and fish fillets (I hear Wendy's has the best), but still, for whatever reason I love it. Maybe I have an over-developed guilt complex (very likely since I went to Catholic school my whole life). Or maybe I just like purple, or hearing the frustration when my friends who swear like sailors attempt to give up curse words for 40 days. Whatever.

One of the definite major reasons is Cecil B Demille's thoroughly dramatic classic, "The Ten Commandments". Every year ABC plays it on Holy Saturday-except that year a long time ago when they tried to do a remake with that guy from "Ever After" and we all shuddered a lot and went to bed angry-and every year, the REAL version is a wonder to behold. Sure, some people (like my family) see it as an out-dated snoozefest but I see only the greatness of Charlton Heston's Moses beard.

I will forever cherish this movie. Here's why:

1) It's like 18 hours long

Ok, so maybe I appreciated this more when I was 9 and bedtime was thwarted in the name of my viewing this cinematic gem in its entirety. I got to stay up until 11, which was like dawn.

2) The dialogue

is ridic. And so melodramatic. And magical. I've never heard the world "bondage" more in my life. Say it ten time fast and try not to giggle. 

But my favorite line has to be when Moses is about to part the Red Sea with a little help from the Big Man, and the narrator, in his epic narrator voice says, "God opens the sea with a blast of his nostril". Is that supposed to be poetic? Because now all I can think of is God with a sinus infection. Which raises many questions. Does he have a neti pot? Does notorious G-O-D use kleenex or a handkerchief? Has he checked WebMD to make sure it's not more serious? Way to go Cecil, now I missed the Jews crossing the Red Sea.

3) I'll be a slave if I can have skin that dewy

So I mean, slavery is wrong. So wrong. But have you SEEN THE SLAVES IN THIS MOVIE?? They are beautiful. They are shiny. They are ripped. The Egyptians were clearly supplying them with trainers, seaweed wraps, and algae moisturizer from the Mediterranean. Maybe we got it wrong, and really Egypt was just the Hollister of it's day; you had to be asked to work there, and only if you were gorgeous, and they were loath to let you quit since finding walking talking angels of beauty to employ is hard.  

(No but seriously slavery is terrible and any country that practiced it should be embarrassed). 

4) Because no matter how many times you watch it, you're always a little concerned about Joshua and Lilia

Also note the dewiness and hot bodies.

Ok, so they're two slaves and they are adorable and in love. So then in the grand tradition of drama, they are torn apart by the evil fat gross Egyptian dude. I forget his name. We'll call him Neil. He's the worst. Like finding a hair in your hummus.

Naturally,  Neil takes a shine to pretty Lilia, finds out about Lilia's love for Joshua and is all "Muhahaha (evilly twirls the mustache he has since he is such a cliche) you have to love me because you are abnormally beautiful and I must have you and if you resist I will kill Joshua because somehow I totally know about your intense love for him".

So of course she gets all forcefully gussied up like an Egyptian woman and plays along, blah blah blah, I'm fuzzy on it because I only let myself watch it once a year to retain the magic, blah blah blah,  for some reason Joshua gets whipped and it's unrealistic and depressing and Moses conveniently arrives and accidentally KILLS NEIL (dun dun dun), runs away and later finds out that HE'S JEWISH!? It's like a soap opera!!

Only if knew the Bible story you totally saw it coming.

5) And lastly: Charlton Heston is shirtless for like, the entire first half of the movie:

And sure, maybe rumor has it he was kind of a bigoted jerk, but, well, look: 

Thanks Egyptian dress-code.

My mom said the nuns at her school took them to see this like 10 times because of the film's "Godly message".
Uh-huhhhh.

I would totally have followed him around a desert for 40 years.

So there you have it. And I'd write a good closing only IT'S ON RIGHT NOW SO GO WATCH IT, BYE!

Flirting: A Guide

Ok. I'm going to be extremely general in this intro, so you can all relate. 

We've all been there. There you are now. Eating whatever you're eating. Drinking whatever you're drinking. Doing whatever you're doing. And then BAM there he or she is. That cute person you see when you do that thing or go to that place. And he or she just said "Hi." 

Now, if you're anything like I used to be, nothing could make me (even) more awkward than this situation. Worse than my ability to run into stationary objects laid out in plain sight was my ability to do the ever so awkward silent-panic stare. Oh I rocked that move like Betsy Ross rocked stars and stripes. I was as smooth as Rocky Road ice cream. Until I learned the following.

Come and I shall teach you my ways:

1. No matter what keep talking

The cute person who freaks you out is choking on a mint? Doesn't matter, someone else can do the Heimlich; keep talking. You have nothing else to say? WRONG. Roam and ramble and DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. Hopefully they'll ask you something you know a lot about. For me, the golden question is book related. For example:

Cute boy: "So, you studied Eng-"

Me: "Oh well, I love Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights, really anything by the Brontes or anything British or anything ever written ever (pick up tempo here. I already speak as quick as lightening thanks to natural ability, but you'll get it) and did you know Shakespeare just invented a bunch of words hewasprobablymyfavoriteincollegeamibreathingrightnowdoesn'tmatteryoujustkeeptalkingbecauseTHEREWILLBENOSILECE!

If the other person has time to respond, you're doing it wrong.

2. Say how much you hate something they love:

So nothing is more charming to a potential love interest than a guy or gal with his or her foot in their mouth. Now, the stars kind of have to align for this one, since you haven't been giving them time to tell you what they hate (see #1) but it happens to me allll the time so I'm sure you'll find opportunity. Just try and hate something general that most people love like Christmas Carolers or friendly baristas and say:

"God, aren't chatty Cathies at Starbucks the worst? Friendly people suck in general, but especially the ones who make me talk a ton before I get my coffee fix."

If your luck is anything like mine, your crush's response will be this:

"My uncle owns a coffee shop and is really nice and all my friends are really friendly."

...Perfect. You're on your way.

3. Make no eye contact

Want to look totally obvious? Want their beautiful eyes to distract you? Thought not. This is why even when you are in the throes of a conversation, you never look at them. I don't care if they are on fire. You keep the mystery alive and your eyes on the floor.

3.5 In a somewhat related vein to #3, act like you hate them

They can't know you like them. There's really no reason except that if they do know, it's terrifying.

4. When all else fails, RUN

Did the impossible happen and you ran out of stuff to talk about? Did you make the mistake of looking your crush in the eye? Did you tell the heartwarming tale about how at that one appointment your doctor wouldn't shut up about your good birthing hips?

No matter. You may think there is no escape, but rest assured there is. Run. Run with the clobbering grace of a 3-legged dog. I don't care where you are. Volunteering at a hospital? On a moving train? Bolt.

I don't care if you have to mow down children and/or the elderly. You get outta there as fast as your uncoordinated legs will carry you. Not only will it showcase your sub-par athletic abilities, you might get to mow down children and/or the elderly. 

5. Learn to look good, while looking awful



Cause you know with luck like ours you're going to run into that special someone after  30 minutes of sleep thanks to a sinus infection which is making your nose run with all the ferocity of a Russian gymnast careening at that vault thing.

You will likely be bathed in Pledge your sleep deprived self thought was Febreze air spray since your shower is broken. If you are a girl you will be holding tampons and Preparation H creme (it's for under eyes dammit!). If you are a boy you will be holding GasX and lice shampoo. You will both be glistening with the putrid perspiration that accompanies the infected. Girls, (or boys. no judgement. I don't know your life.) no make-up will balm your dry, tired face. 

Also, you will have just consumed Caesar Salad with extra onions and garlic. Your TMJ doesn't permit you the luxury of gum. Now. MAKE 'EM WANT IT!

And there you have it. I know that my flirty pointers will have you beating them off with sticks. Godspeed, all. And you're welcome.

Why I want to be BFF with Nina Sayers AKA The Swan Queen, and so should you!

We all know that the world of Ballet is competitive (and often times malnourished). If movies like "Center Stage" have taught us anything, it's that ballerinas' lives consist of 30% bulimia, 40% unrequited love, 20% dealing with parental landmines, and 10% dancing. 

The drama. The hook-ups. The bloody toes and retirement at the age of 28. I am obsessed and fascinated by this world, and I for one think the participants would make wonderful friends. I think one deranged dancer in particular would make a particularly wonderful chum. Remember Nina from "Black Swan? Chick would be devoted as hell. Here's why:
                                                      1. Undying (until she dies) loyalty

Think about it. If she was THAT dedicated to ballet, how dedicated would she be to your friendship?? If her track record with dance is any indicator, I'd wager she'd be the kind of pal who would always be there. Always. Sure, maybe hidden in your closet or under your bed, but still, THERE when you really needed her. Or needed to get smothered with your own pillow. Bet she'd be all over that.
 

2. She could teach you Ballet

Come on. The girl has some skill. Especially after she loosened up after some very weird Mila Kunis hallucinations that will not be discussed. She floats with the grace of 1,000 crazy angels, and she could teach you. Oh she could teach you. Unless you mess up and she is then forced to saw off your feet and eat them. I'd remember to point my toes if I were you.


         
3. You'd look SO normal

Yes, we all have days where we feel as insane as that bag lady muttering about the end of days while she eats live pigeons and Taco Bell wrappers. That's normal, I think. But if you were friends with Nina, you could leave the house covered in glitter and lemon curd while singing calypso, and you would look. so. sane. And yes, I think lemon curd would make stellar moisturizer. 


4. She taught you life's greatest lesson

It's this: If you really love something, kill yourself for it. Nina loved ballet. More than her mother, her alter ego, and her hallucinations of Mila. And when her white swan character was supposed to die, Nina really DIED. I mean, I've heard of method acting, but she took this to a whole new level. Ya hear that, small child who yearns to one day become an astronaut? Go jump off a bridge in the name of NASA, and make all your dreams come true.