Flirting: A Guide

Ok. I'm going to be extremely general in this intro, so you can all relate. 

We've all been there. There you are now. Eating whatever you're eating. Drinking whatever you're drinking. Doing whatever you're doing. And then BAM there he or she is. That cute person you see when you do that thing or go to that place. And he or she just said "Hi." 

Now, if you're anything like I used to be, nothing could make me (even) more awkward than this situation. Worse than my ability to run into stationary objects laid out in plain sight was my ability to do the ever so awkward silent-panic stare. Oh I rocked that move like Betsy Ross rocked stars and stripes. I was as smooth as Rocky Road ice cream. Until I learned the following.

Come and I shall teach you my ways:

1. No matter what keep talking

The cute person who freaks you out is choking on a mint? Doesn't matter, someone else can do the Heimlich; keep talking. You have nothing else to say? WRONG. Roam and ramble and DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. Hopefully they'll ask you something you know a lot about. For me, the golden question is book related. For example:

Cute boy: "So, you studied Eng-"

Me: "Oh well, I love Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights, really anything by the Brontes or anything British or anything ever written ever (pick up tempo here. I already speak as quick as lightening thanks to natural ability, but you'll get it) and did you know Shakespeare just invented a bunch of words hewasprobablymyfavoriteincollegeamibreathingrightnowdoesn'tmatteryoujustkeeptalkingbecauseTHEREWILLBENOSILECE!

If the other person has time to respond, you're doing it wrong.

2. Say how much you hate something they love:

So nothing is more charming to a potential love interest than a guy or gal with his or her foot in their mouth. Now, the stars kind of have to align for this one, since you haven't been giving them time to tell you what they hate (see #1) but it happens to me allll the time so I'm sure you'll find opportunity. Just try and hate something general that most people love like Christmas Carolers or friendly baristas and say:

"God, aren't chatty Cathies at Starbucks the worst? Friendly people suck in general, but especially the ones who make me talk a ton before I get my coffee fix."

If your luck is anything like mine, your crush's response will be this:

"My uncle owns a coffee shop and is really nice and all my friends are really friendly."

...Perfect. You're on your way.

3. Make no eye contact

Want to look totally obvious? Want their beautiful eyes to distract you? Thought not. This is why even when you are in the throes of a conversation, you never look at them. I don't care if they are on fire. You keep the mystery alive and your eyes on the floor.

3.5 In a somewhat related vein to #3, act like you hate them

They can't know you like them. There's really no reason except that if they do know, it's terrifying.

4. When all else fails, RUN

Did the impossible happen and you ran out of stuff to talk about? Did you make the mistake of looking your crush in the eye? Did you tell the heartwarming tale about how at that one appointment your doctor wouldn't shut up about your good birthing hips?

No matter. You may think there is no escape, but rest assured there is. Run. Run with the clobbering grace of a 3-legged dog. I don't care where you are. Volunteering at a hospital? On a moving train? Bolt.

I don't care if you have to mow down children and/or the elderly. You get outta there as fast as your uncoordinated legs will carry you. Not only will it showcase your sub-par athletic abilities, you might get to mow down children and/or the elderly. 

5. Learn to look good, while looking awful



Cause you know with luck like ours you're going to run into that special someone after  30 minutes of sleep thanks to a sinus infection which is making your nose run with all the ferocity of a Russian gymnast careening at that vault thing.

You will likely be bathed in Pledge your sleep deprived self thought was Febreze air spray since your shower is broken. If you are a girl you will be holding tampons and Preparation H creme (it's for under eyes dammit!). If you are a boy you will be holding GasX and lice shampoo. You will both be glistening with the putrid perspiration that accompanies the infected. Girls, (or boys. no judgement. I don't know your life.) no make-up will balm your dry, tired face. 

Also, you will have just consumed Caesar Salad with extra onions and garlic. Your TMJ doesn't permit you the luxury of gum. Now. MAKE 'EM WANT IT!

And there you have it. I know that my flirty pointers will have you beating them off with sticks. Godspeed, all. And you're welcome.