Tales of a 20-something Sub-defective: "Moses, MOSES!"

Happy almost-end-of-Lent friends! Even though I'm not super Catholic anymore, I have (and probably always will) love Lent. Believe me, I'm as curious as you. I know for most it's a somber, introspective time full of sacrifice and fish fillets (I hear Wendy's has the best), but still, for whatever reason I love it. Maybe I have an over-developed guilt complex (very likely since I went to Catholic school my whole life). Or maybe I just like purple, or hearing the frustration when my friends who swear like sailors attempt to give up curse words for 40 days. Whatever.

One of the definite major reasons is Cecil B Demille's thoroughly dramatic classic, "The Ten Commandments". Every year ABC plays it on Holy Saturday-except that year a long time ago when they tried to do a remake with that guy from "Ever After" and we all shuddered a lot and went to bed angry-and every year, the REAL version is a wonder to behold. Sure, some people (like my family) see it as an out-dated snoozefest but I see only the greatness of Charlton Heston's Moses beard.

I will forever cherish this movie. Here's why:

1) It's like 18 hours long

Ok, so maybe I appreciated this more when I was 9 and bedtime was thwarted in the name of my viewing this cinematic gem in its entirety. I got to stay up until 11, which was like dawn.

2) The dialogue

is ridic. And so melodramatic. And magical. I've never heard the world "bondage" more in my life. Say it ten time fast and try not to giggle.

But my favorite line has to be when Moses is about to part the Red Sea with a little help from the Big Man, and the narrator, in his epic narrator voice says, "God opens the sea with a blast of his nostril". Is that supposed to be poetic? Because now all I can think of is God with a sinus infection. Which raises many questions. Does he have a neti pot? Does notorious G-O-D use kleenex or a handkerchief? Has he checked WebMD to make sure it's not more serious? Way to go Cecil, now I missed the Jews crossing the Red Sea.

3) I'll be a slave if I can have skin that dewy

So I mean, slavery is wrong. So wrong. But have you SEEN THE SLAVES IN THIS MOVIE?? They are beautiful. They are shiny. They are ripped. The Egyptians were clearly supplying them with trainers, seaweed wraps, and algae moisturizer from the Mediterranean. Maybe we got it wrong, and really Egypt was just the Hollister of it's day; you had to be asked to work there, and only if you were gorgeous, and they were loath to let you quit since finding walking talking angels of beauty to employ is hard.

(No but seriously slavery is terrible and any country that practiced it should be embarrassed).

4) Because no matter how many times you watch it, you're always a little concerned about Joshua and Lilia

Also note the dewiness and hot bodies.

Ok, so they're two slaves and they are adorable and in love. So then in the grand tradition of drama, they are torn apart by the evil fat gross Egyptian dude. I forget his name. We'll call him Neil. He's the worst. Like finding a hair in your hummus.

Naturally, Neil takes a shine to pretty Lilia, finds out about Lilia's love for Joshua and is all "Muhahaha (evilly twirls the mustache he has since he is such a cliche) you have to love me because you are abnormally beautiful and I must have you and if you resist I will kill Joshua because somehow I totally know about your intense love for him".

So of course she gets all forcefully gussied up like an Egyptian woman and plays along, blah blah blah, I'm fuzzy on it because I only let myself watch it once a year to retain the magic, blah blah blah, for some reason Joshua gets whipped and it's unrealistic and depressing and Moses conveniently arrives and accidentally KILLS NEIL (dun dun dun), runs away and later finds out that HE'S JEWISH!? It's like a soap opera!!

Only if knew the Bible story you totally saw it coming.

5) And lastly: Charlton Heston is shirtless for like, the entire first half of the movie:

And sure, maybe rumor has it he was kind of a bigoted jerk, but, well, look: