Let's begin:
1. Never take in a lodger/tenant
Sure you might need the money. But think, do you need that money more than you need to be alive? Because in my "Deadly Women" experience, if that tenant is a girl, she's gonna kill you and your wife for $300 of petty cash and your Jeep Wrangler. If that tenant is a guy, he's gonna start sleeping with your wife, and they're gonna slowly poison you while taking advantage of you in your confused poisoned state by drafting numerous expensive new life insurance policies.
| They're plotting your demise while you sleep. |
They will laugh and make out a lot while they mix together your ice cream and arsenic, and then when they feel like you're not kicking the bucket fast enough, she'll convince the new guy to smother you with a pillow. They'll get caught but you'll be dead, so really, it hardly seems worth the trouble.
2. Also never take in a wayward granddaughter
Grandchildren need love and sometimes, a firm guiding hand. Especially if they're young ruffians raising all sorts of heck. You might think you're the one to provide your grandchild with the loving guidance to help her get back on the right track.
You don't know what you're doing. Granddaughters are evil. Run.
Cause she will inevitably meet a boy. She'll be between 13 and 15. He'll be at least 25. Because this all needs to be as creepy as possible. He'll turn her into a goth and or a jerk, you'll fight a lot and forbid her to see him. She'll sneak out anyway. You'll probably slap her.
| It's all fun and games till she starts dating that Satanist. |
Then she and her cradle-robber will come over and push you down some stairs. I told you. Run as fast as your orthotics and bum hip will allow.
3. Apparently, based off numbers 1 and 2, the world is just teeming with crazies willing to team up to kill people.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like if I turned to anyone in my life and was like, "Yo, this person is super annoying and irritating, and they wronged me so I'd like to kill them. Busy Saturday? Want to help?" their response would be "Nope, I'm gonna leave now, after I call 911. Bye."
But apparently, according to "Women" this is not the norm. No, the world is full of crazy women, who somehow find even crazier men, who like to join forces and whack people. I mean I like to bond over episodes of "Extreme Couponing" and spooning, but maybe I'm an old-fashioned gal.
4. Everyone in the world is apparently secretly Austrailian
So on this show they like to re-enact the events of the murder. The actors are always significantly more attractive than the actual perpetrators. This is about all the have going for them. Frankly the people in the Goldbond commercials have more acting skills.
Also, I can only guess that the show is produced in Australia, since, no matter where the case is set, from Indianapolis to Houston, the actors are all clearly Australian. Their accents are terrible. They all sound like they have peanut butter stuck to the roof of their mouths. It's like a Canadian who maybe moved down to Memphis when they were 12 is talking. And it's perfect.
5. Candice DeLong is god.
She's a retired FBI profiler. She's been growing her hair out over the past few seasons. It was rocky for a while, but now that she's out of the initial "my hair isn't long but it isn't short" awkward phase, she's looking pretty good. And she occasionally spits out the best one-liners in the world.
My favorite has to be, "There are many things you need to make s'mores. A hunting knife isn't one of them." Preach Candice. Preach.
In conclusion, all I can assume from the lessons I've learned on this show is that pretty much everyone is an Australian faking an American accent who would like to to go on a murderous rampage.
Yep. Everyone ever is a murderer. Sleep tight!
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