Flirting: A Guide Part 2

So let's be real. That last flirting guide was to be taken in jest. If any of you were naïve enough to take it seriously, well, I'm really very sorry. Up next, however, I thought I'd help you all out, like, for real.

Below you will find some of my many cautionary tales. I can't list all of them because I'm assuming you want to finish reading before you die.

Without further ado:

1. A line that probably won't get him feisty:

So there was this kid in my poetry class. Voluntarily. POETRY amiright?? Cute AND had a thing for Wordsworth. And I knew he was straight (I was 75% sure he was straight). It was like winning the lottery. We lived in the same dorm and he had come over a few times (He had come over to stand in the doorway and borrow notes a few times).

Needless to say, I thought things were progressing nicely. So this one time after class, we're walking back to our building when out of nowhere, this happens:

Ted*: Hey so, since it's Friday and all I was wondering if you wanted to maybe hang out or something?

Jordan:............

Ted: Or are you busy?

Jordan: ......NO. No, I mean not really. I mean I was gonna Skype-watch a Jane Austen movie with my best friend tonight, but I can totally just do that on Saturday.

Ted: Um, yea, so I'll just be by around 7 then?

He was not around by 7. Or 8. Or ever again. "Pride and Prejudice" was however, just as magical that 137th time as it was all the others.

Why participate in life when Keira can do it for me?

*Ted wasn't his name. Neither was Frank.

2. How to identify what was not, in fact, a line at all:

So there was this other kid in my American Lit class, and he was blonde and beautiful and this one time he came in carrying a CD I had JUST DOWNLOADED AND LOVED so clearly we were meant to be together. He sat right in front of me. Every MWF. So I decided I could finesse this situation. Eavesdrop a little. Find out what he liked and stuff. I had nothing but time.

Then one day, I decided that was it. I was going to do it. I was going to say "hi" to plaid-shirt-dude and let fate take it from there. And I did! Ready for it?

PSD: ACHOO
Jordan: Bless you!
PSD: Thanks.

And here was my fatal mistake: Here I thought, job well done. Contact made. Spring wedding it is. But as for him? I think he called me Jenny once.

Does dinner and a movie work for you?

My point is this my loveless friends; "Bless you" is not a line. Neither is "Excuse me".

3.This one would've been a disaster anyways, but it really wasn't my fault:

Once again we find ourselves in a classroom. A history classroom this time. Gen eds, you understand. I had been sitting next to this super cute guy for half a semester, and we were actually talking. Not just "responding to natural bodily nose functions" talking either. Really talking. And he was so so nice. And I knew it wouldn't be long. Subtext will follow in () because everyone knows that as girls there are always at least two conversations happening at once;

Ben: Hey so that test was way hard. I thought I'd do a lot better. Crap.

Jordan: Yea, some of those questions were totally worded badly. It was confusing. (He is going to ask me to study with him.)

Ben: Hey, so can I borrow the notes from last Friday when I was out? I didn't feel well. I promise I won't make it a habit to skip and just mooch off of you.

Jordan: Um, well, that depends. See cause I like to outline the actual book as I read it, and then I also take notes in class during lecture. And then I like to go home and cross-reference and type out a final outline based on the most important parts from each outline. So if you wanna wait until I have the final one all typed up I can give it to you the next time I see you? (Should I bring him soup? Airborne? He's so considerate. I bet he'd plan nice dates.)

Ben: Wow, geeze, you're thorough. You wouldn't want to study for Friday's quiz would you? I could totally use the help.

Jordan: Um, sure! (It's happening. It's all HAPPENING! I'm baking cookies.)

Ben: Great! 8ish? We can meet at my dorm. It's in St. Joesph's.

Jordan: Wait...is that the...(Cling to hope. Cling to it!)

Ben: Seminary? Yea! I take my vows in like 2 more years. I'm super stoked. I just wanna get my degree first.

Jordan: Yep. Cool. See ya then. (He's not getting cookies. I'm going to hell).

Hot and "Collared"

Game. Set. Match. Praise God.

And that, dear readers, is all the advice I have for today. If you take care not to follow my example(s) you will be in no way closer to having a successful flirting life. You will, however be closer to NOT not having a flirting life. Doing what I did above probably brought me to level -3 in terms of flirting skills. Who are we kidding? -5. Learn from my mistakes and you'll probably break even.

That's all I can give you.